Signs You Are in an Emotionally Abusive Marriage

Emotional abuse may not leave physical scars, but the effects are just as damaging, if not more so. It’s important to recognize the signs of emotional abuse, as it’s the first step toward understanding what you’re going through and deciding on the best path forward.

Our Bethesda divorce attorneys have seen many clients who didn’t realize they were in an emotionally abusive marriage until it took a huge toll on their well-being. Emotional abuse often starts small and grows over time, making it difficult to spot, especially when you’re in it. If any of the signs below resonate with you, it’s time to start thinking about ways to protect yourself.

1. Constant criticism and belittling

The emotionally abusive spouse may criticize you, often under the guise of “helping” or “constructive feedback.” These actions can range from mocking your appearance to belittling your opinions. These remarks can chip away at your self-esteem over time, leaving you feeling worthless or inadequate. You might hear phrases like:

• “You can’t do anything right.”
• “Why are you so sensitive?”
• “You’re lucky I put up with you.”

It’s important to remember that this type of language isn’t just hurtful – it’s controlling.

2. Emotional manipulation

One of the hallmarks of abuse is emotional manipulation. This can involve guilt-tripping, gaslighting, or exploiting your vulnerabilities in order to control your actions or feelings. Gaslighting can leave you questioning your reality – you may hear things like:

• “That never happened.”
• “You’re imagining things.”
• “You’re overreacting again.”

These manipulative behaviors create confusion, erode your confidence, and increase your dependence on your partner.

3. Isolation from friends and family

An emotionally abusive spouse might discourage or even outright forbid you from spending time with friends and family, claiming they are “bad influences” or “don’t have your best interests at heart.” Over time, this isolation can make you feel trapped, as you eventually lose touch with the people who might be able to help you see the reality of your situation. Some of these strategies include:

• Criticizing your loved ones, creating a divide within the family.
• Making you feel guilty for wanting to spend time away from them.
• Monitoring or controlling your communications with others.

4. Control and domination

Emotional abusers often try to seek control over all aspects of your life. This could involve making decisions for you, dictating how you should spend your time, or controlling your finances. They may justify their behavior as being protective or caring, but in reality, it’s all about power. Examples of controlling behavior include:

• Demanding access to your phone, emails, or social media.
• Controlling how much money you can spend or making you ask for permission.
• Dictating how you dress, where you go, or who you talk to.

5. Unpredictable mood swings

If you’re living with an emotionally abusive spouse, you may often feel like you’re walking on eggshells. Their mood swings can be unpredictable and extreme – one moment, they’re affectionate, but the next, they’re angry, dismissive, or cold. These inconsistencies can create anxiety and leave you constantly trying to appease them to avoid conflict.

6. Blaming and refusing responsibility

Emotionally abusive spouses blame others for their behavior. You may notice that they turn every argument into your fault and say things like:

• “If you didn’t make me so angry, I wouldn’t yell.”
• “You’re the reason our relationship is falling apart.”

They will work to avoid taking accountability – which can deflect attention from their abusive behavior and make you feel guilty.

7. Withholding affection

Your partner may withhold affection, intimacy, or even basic communication to punish you or get their way. This can make you feel unworthy and desperate to regain their approval, which reinforces their control over you.

8. Excessive jealousy and possessiveness

A little jealousy is natural in any relationship. However, excessive jealousy is a red flag. An emotionally abusive spouse may accuse you of being unfaithful or flirtatious with no basis, often as a way to justify their controlling behavior. They might constantly question where you’ve been, who you were with, or even why you dressed a certain way.

9. Walking on eggshells

Do you frequently feel like you’re trying to avoid triggering your spouse’s anger or disapproval? In an emotionally abusive marriage, you might find yourself overly cautious about what you say or do in order to keep the peace. This constant anxiety is unhealthy and points to a lack of emotional safety in the relationship.

10. Eroding your self-worth

Emotional abuse can undermine your self-esteem – you may even start to believe the negative things your partner says about you. You may end up feeling unworthy of love, incapable of independence, or even responsible for the abuse. If you find yourself thinking, “Maybe I deserve this” or “I can’t do better than them anyway,” it’s important to know that this is a sign that the abuse has deeply affected your sense of self.

What do I do now?

Emotional abuse is never your fault, and you deserve a relationship built on kindness and respect. Here are a few steps you can consider:

• Talk to someone you trust, whether it’s a friend, family member, or therapist. Sharing your experiences can help you process what’s happening and explore your options.
• Keeping a record of incidents can be helpful if you decide to seek legal advice or end the relationship. Note dates, times, specific behaviors, and how they made you feel.
• Seek professional help. Therapy can be an invaluable resource for understanding the dynamics of emotional abuse and rebuilding your self-esteem. Consider individual counseling to start.
• If you’re contemplating divorce or feel unsafe, consult with a Bethesda divorce attorney to help you understand your rights and develop a plan to protect yourself and your assets.

If you’re in an emotionally abusive marriage and unsure of what to do next, know that you don’t have to face this alone. Speaking with the compassionate and experienced divorce attorneys at McCabe Russell can help you understand your rights, explore your options, and take the first steps toward a healthier, safer future. Call our Bethesda office or fill out our contact form to schedule a meeting with a skilled lawyer. We also maintain offices in Fulton, Columbia, and Rockville.